joriatthedisco

 i don't keep up on this, at all. thanks sarah for reminding me that it exists today.
i am ready for bed and my brain isn't working... school is definitely getting to me but it is slowly becoming more of a habit to get up at 5:30 a.m., so i can deal with that.
but it's more than 45 minutes past my bedtime, so now i am off to bed. goodnight world.

"he is a man. and there will forever be a three-year-old trapped inside him."

i think this is the best book i have ever read.

i am going stir crazy.
i suck at being home all the time.
plus, my roommate is never here.

normally it is the other way around, so i have no idea what to do with myself! weird. i can't wait til summer becomes more summer-y and everyone that is going to be in town is actually in town, so that i can actually have some plans.

yeahhhh.

 new york was amazingggggg.
someday i'll write about all of my adventures but not tonight.
i'm still sick from the plane and get real dizzy every time i stand up or anything. :C

anyways... i just felt like i needed to say that i'm so excited for this summer.
i'm really looking forward to it... it's been so long since i've had a summer that was mine, where i wasn't stressed and worrying about my relationship with a certain someone. not that i haven't enjoyed that past couple summers, but this one is just like this big blank slate and i'm so excited to spend time with so many different people and relax and work and just... everything.
it seems like my karma is finally starting to turn around after ending things with that certain someone at the beginning of the school year. i'm not sure why my bad luck hung on so long after that, but it seems like i've finally paid my dues and can just go into this summer worry free.
exciting. ;D

i started reading "snuff" by chuck palahniuk on the plane, and i'm already more than half way through... so i'm gonna go try and finish it. ;D
i also have a feeling that this will be a very book-worm-y summer.
i have a huge list of 'want to read's already. 

 speaking of popping in and out of my life,

sometimes people can pop back in very unexpectedly.
and sometimes, it's a good thing.
hmm.

i don't think it is fair
to pop in and out of my life
as you please.
what about
what i want?

i get my hopes up every time

 it's funny how little it takes to get someone back on your mind

i'm not really sure why i have this new habit of avoiding the things that i know would make me the happiest.

i've got this mindset of being afraid of "trying too hard" so i just don't try at all. and obviously that isn't getting me anywhere.
i really don't understand why my brain works the way it does.

you know that episode of friends, where phoebe and monica make all of rachel's decisions for her?
i need someone to do that.
seriously.
any volunteers?
i can't just freakin grow a pair on my own so maybe i need someone to just give me a shove in the right direction.
because i officially suck at life right now and i am really, really over it.
so someone volunteer, mmkay?

i think i know now...
but maybe it isn't right anymore?

 i'm suddenly obsessed with the idea of going blonde.

am i retarded?
i don't know if it would work on me...

last night... was interesting. sometimes honesty really hurts but i am so thankful that i finally got it. i am so glad that i finally know the truth to things that i have been suspecting for so long.
word to the wise... never say cheating can be "justified" when you're in a room with three people who have been cheated on. i guess joe found that out the hard way but i really think that he learned a lot.. i know i did.  putting a different perspective on things, looking at someone without all the bullshit in the way - it helps. i feel like i can finally put the past behind me.  like ashley said, it was a night full of revelations, good and bad, and it was something that we all really, really needed.

"i wish to feel smaller under your sheets
i wish for the whole truth every time you speak
and i'm thinking about how you care half as much for me
as i watch you arise, smoke cigarettes, sleep

and i guess it doesn't matter what i say or what i seem
you stuck what i felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and i swear i'm gonna cry, 
i'm sick of trying to be tough

and my blood won't stick to the confines of my veins,
and your heart is gonna tear mine away

and i wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine down your pants
and i'm thinking about how you care half as much for me
as you lift up my shirt after asking politely

and i guess it doesn't matter what i am or pretend to be..."

seriously.


please let my interview tomorrow go well.
i need at least one thing this week to go my way.

i would

a.) like to thank ashley for showing me this awesome video of how cool i used to be...


and b.) like to thank drunk dials for basically slapping some sense back into my pathetic brain

the end

distance is hard.
distance is scary.
but distance makes you stronger.

i've found that distance has only made me closer to the people who really matter. it's taught me who and how to trust.
it's shown me that i am strong enough, loyal enough, to not let it become an issue when someone really matters to me.
distance has shown me the true sides of people. it's led to a lot of heartbreak, but the breaking of trust, of hearts, the infidelities, just showed me that i deserve better. if someone cannot stay true to me when i can't be, literally, by their side every day, then they are not worth my time.
i've grown apart from some people, and believe me it hasn't been easy, but now i know that i am strong enough to be on my own and be my own person.
distance has taken me out of the drama, the vicious cycles of gossip and breakups and hateful things, it is has let me grow up. i've become a better person. more understanding, more accepting.
without this distance i'd be in the exact same place i was a year ago - the same place i was in just this summer, for that matter. it's kind of like how you can't really see a problem til you step away from it.

"it never makes sense while you're living it... it's only when you look back."

i am the only person who is completely confused every day.

maybe i just choose not to understand certain things because it makes it easier.
i don't understand why someone would kick me out of their life and then a month later start to make an effort again.
i don't know if it's genuine this time or if we've gone back to the "i'm happier than you" bullshit that we went through last year.
either way, i'm not gonna try and figure it out and i'm not gonna let myself become a part of that again.
i don't need it anymore.

some things i have decided

• i need to be more assertive. (duh.) in basically all aspects of my life. i'm gonna be interning this summer and i want to get noticed.
• in addition, i need to learn to use the word "no."
• i need to give people a fair chance. there are certain people who i have judged or labled in certain ways based on past experiences. but to tell the truth, that was before i ever really knew them, and i am starting to see that it wasn't right for me to not give them a chance. friend potential, for reals.
• i need to actually get out and meet some people every once and a while. i have gotten to comfortable inside my little comm department bubble. as great as my friends in tv and everything are, i have gotten too dependent on having school friends and it's basically become an excuse for me to be anti-social.

also, i might be allergic to my tanning lotion. i am awesomely broken out basically everywhere, and it's way not cool.

i'm running out of prospects. daaaaang.
which is resulting in my livejournal becoming more and more boring lately.
what am i supposed to write about when nothing dramatic/sad/frustrating/exciting is happening in my life?
i think i would prefer one of the above over 'blah', yeah?
hm.

someone make something happen and give me something to write about.